Toddlers and Teenagers – A Parenting Comparison

In my private practice I have the privilege of meeting with teenagers. Although I do not work with toddlers in my practice I have one in my home. Because of this I have been reminded once again of the amazing similarities between the two. Seriously, think about it! Both are focused primarily on what they want and are willing to go to great lengths to get it including manipulation and lying. Both are prone to emotional meltdowns and will at times show a complete inability to control themselves. Toddlers are self-absorbed and teenagers are self-involved. Both are maneuvering significant developmental milestones that are of vast importance to their emotional health and well being. Both require multiple requests from a parent to accomplish a task that isn't on their agenda. Both make statements of dislike toward their parents, their chores and the massive unfairness that seems to exist in the world.

Because of these similarities I frequently encourage parents to respond to their teenagers as they did their toddlers. It often makes for more effective parenting and decreases the emotion in the home considerably. For instance when my 4 year old says, "you're mean and I don't like you", I don't take it personally because I know she is merely focused on not getting her way. I remind her that she has the right to her opinion about me and that my primary concern is not that she likes me. And then I enforce the expectation, rule or boundary that she didn't like to begin with. I am the adult. I don't participate in the emotion. For some reason when those words are spoken by our teenagers we allow them to matter and hurt our feelings even though they are likely also focused on getting their way. We are better at seeing these "teachable moments" when our kids are little. We are more likely to stay out of the emotion and utilize those times to teach our kids more appropriate ways to respond to their anger, frustration and disappointment. But when they are teenagers I have seen parents respond in anger, hurt, blame, frustration and actually escalate the situation considerably by joining in the emotion. We jump on the emotional roller coaster with them strap on our seatbelts and prove we can ride the crazy train too! Perhaps it would be more effective to say, "I'll be right here on level ground ready to talk with you when you are finished." We are the adults. We don't participate in the emotion.

I also encourage parents to consider monitoring their teenagers much like they monitored their toddler. Now before you totally tune that out as a ridiculous call to helicopter parenting, hear me out. Consider the attention you paid to what your toddler was exposed to. The movies, the games, the people, etc… They were sensitive, impressionable and precious and we wanted to preserve that! I believe we should trust our teenagers to make good choices but I also believe we should verify that they are making good choices by monitoring their activities, media and social relationships. Afterall they are sensitive, impressionable and precious and we want to preserve that! Think about how long you allowed your toddler to be in his/her room by themselves before you wondered what they were up to. 20 minutes? 30 minutes? Silence in the toddler years often meant trouble so we checked on them frequently. Yet there are teenagers all over this country who spend hours and hours, days and days in their rooms doing and experiencing unthinkable things because nobody is monitoring their silence. If we dared to do this when they were toddlers it would be called "neglect". Is it any less neglectful when they are still learning, moving through milestones, impressionable and in need of love, encouragement and supervision?

Parents it is our right, our responsibility, and our privilege to parent, teach, encourage and love our children through EVERY stage of development. We don't get to quit because they don't like us or because they want us to quit. We are the adults. We don't get to quit when they don't please us or make us feel like we are doing a good job. We don't quit when they hurt our feelings or our pride. We are the adults. We don't get to quit just because their bodies are bigger and they think they know what is best for them. Please don't quit!!! You are the adult. Your toddler and your teenager will eventually, although not soon, thank you for it!

Advice From The Mother of All Moms

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This is one of my favorite photos of my mother because she is laughing! I've always loved it when she laughs. Raising 10 children certainly provided many opportunities to laugh. I've also always loved my mother's lessons and advice. She recently made a list for one of the grandkids who requested it as a birthday gift. The following are among those she considers most important. Enjoy her wisdom!

1. Remember friends come and go. Family is forever.

2. Don't be afraid to say no, when no is the right thing to say.

3. Keep in touch with God – Go to Church – Pray — it works.

4. Don't hesitate to work through disagreements calmly.

5. Write "Thank You" notes!

6. Read.

7. Vote – it's a responsibility and a privilege.

8. Don't be afraid to work – it feels good to accomplish something.

9. Respect others.

10. Don't let material things rule your life — you can't take them with you.

11. Be proud to be an American – God has blessed our country.

12. Laugh often.

13. Stay close to your siblings – they are your parents’ most precious gift to you.

14. Always leave a place better than you found it.

15. Have a good work ethic.

16. Get involved in your community.

17. Please don't be a slave to your cell phone, text, twitter, facebook, or any other ways of communication that technology comes up with.

18. Respect yourself — (body, mind, and spirit) so that others will do so too.

Excellence Inspires People

“Why, God?”

Just a mom?

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I overheard a lady years ago answering the question, "What do you do for a living?" with the answer, "I'm just a mom." I interrupted without realizing by exclaiming, "Just a mom?" I couldn't help myself. I know the value of what moms represent. I've seen bad ones. I have a great one!

Superheroes have nothing on the mom population who value their role. Besides mothers, they are wives, nurturers, cooks, gift coordinators, friends, daughters, sisters, volunteers, co-workers, business owners, entertainment chairmen, referees, seamstresses, and coaches. Just a mom? These women sleep in 32-minute intervals for 18 plus years. They fix dinner and re-landscape yards with what is the equivalent to 30-pound weights strapped to their legs. They mop floors, make phone calls and organize a week's worth of meals with a 10-pound weight attached to their breast. You try it! And then some of them greet a man at the end of the day who strangely wants to be strapped around her leg and attached to her breast. Seriously!

I work in the business world and I am a mom. Comparatively, the roles and responsibilities of moms are much more vast and important than those I face everyday in business. In the business world, we clock in and out or come to work and leave work as if everything we do is a segmented portion of our lives. There is nothing segmented about a mother's job. We don't clock out at night. We don't clock out on the weekends. We don't even clock out when we clock in to go to work. We don't clock out at high school graduation and we don't clock out after they walk down the isle. It's not what we do. It's who we are. There is no comparison!

Business woman get corner offices; moms get kindergarten graduations. Executives get yearly evaluations; moms receive unsolicited hugs and tender moments just before kids drop off to sleep. They attend board meetings and budget committees; moms go to school plays, spelling bees and soccer practice. They read profit and loss statements; moms read "I love you to the moon and back" over and over and over again. CEO's hang documents that have no eternal value on their walls; a mom hangs pictures with toothless grins that contain the very image of God Himself. In the morning, they wake up to an annoying alarm clock suggesting that it will be yet another day at the office. We get to be awakened by those beautiful blue eyes standing by our bedside requesting cartoons and Captain Crunch. Managers get to explain why deadlines weren't met or why the budget busted. We get to explain why that other kid acts the way she does and why we should love her anyway. No comparison!

I have a front row seat to history. I witnessed her first step, heard her first word, took her to her first day of school and her first dance class. I will help prepare her for her first date and her first time behind the wheel. More importantly, I will help prepare her for her first opportunity to reach out to someone in need and her first time to share her faith with somebody who might need some hope. I get to help prepare her for that. I do! I will be there when she fails, when her heart is broken and when it seems nothing will make the pain go away. I get to be there for that. I do! Clearly, this is the most powerful role on the planet. Perhaps moms are valuable beyond our own comprehension or perhaps our own comfort. But, "Just a mom?"

God's message to the next generation is being fed macaroni and cheese at the tables across the world and influenced most directly by "just a mom." Whether we are seven years old or seventy years old, it is our mothers who set the stage for the rest of our existence. Good or bad. On this Mother's Day week, to "just the moms", who know the value of what you do, I would like to say; "Thank you, for doing the most important job there is!"

There is magic in the love of a horse!

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I Didn’t Marry My Best Friend…

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When you read on Facebook or twitter the sugary sweet posts about being married to your best friend you probably have one of two responses. You either share in that warm cuddly feeling and then immediately repost the sentiment or you throw up in your throat just a little. I'm the second one. I'm not married to my best friend. My best friends are female and they are experts at being my best friends. They have known me 4 times longer than he has. They are wired to want to talk to me and outstanding at listening. They are better at reading my mind (and my blog) than he may ever be. They are fun and relaxing to go on vacation with and are always my first choice if I need to have a good cry. We have experienced more milestones, seasons, stages, phases and changes together than he and I have had time for. They know how to deal with me. They get me. But they've had decades of practice. And they are women!

As a therapist I see many marriages falling apart because women are saying, "He should know what I need, If he loved me it wouldn't be this hard, I'm tired of telling him what I need, He's not my best friend." The truth is he shouldn't know what we need instinctively. We don't always even know what we need. And no matter how tired we are of telling him what we need, telling him is the most guaranteed way that he will know! And just because he doesn't measure up to our best friend doesn't mean we aren't loved. We are destroying our marriages and our men expecting them to have crystal balls, a female desire to befriend us and an accurate assessment of our ever changing needs. We assume that if our marriages take work then I must not be in the right marriage. Which is a lot like saying that I must be in the wrong career if my job ever feels laborious. Or I must have had the wrong kids if they are ever difficult to deal with. Good marriages are work and we are doing ourselves a disservice to compare our work in progress to somebody else's perceived finished product or Facebook post.

I almost destroyed my marriage expecting for it to feel like a friendship I had with my girlfriends of thirty plus years. I married a man. A man who isn't as sensitive, compassionate or observant as my girlfriends. A man who doesn't like to talk and who believes that listening can be done without eye contact. But he is a man who nevertheless loves me. A good man. Perhaps, the best of men. But not a good woman. He infuriates me and fascinates me. He introduces me to feelings of love and anger that I never knew existed. Our marriage doesn't contain a lot of cloud walking, rolling around in flowers and chocolate eating moments. We aren't a Hallmark card. What it does contain are a lot of faithful days of living life and trying to do the next right thing for each other and for our world.

I've realized that my relationship with my husband is much like my relationship with God. He loves me unconditionally and like God, is painfully silent sometimes. He isn't motivated by my mood swings or tantrums. And no matter how I treat him he is still there willing to try again as we figure out this journey. He is almost impossible to make angry and always speaks the truth. He is faithful to go to work and faithful to return home. He knows who is and who he isn't. He isn't my best friend. And when I let go of the expectation that he should be it produced the freedom necessary for him to become my husband. Which is really what I needed in the first place.

Visit with a friend

Weighing in on the gay marriage debate

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It's interesting to me how many people have become vocal about the sanctity of marriage in the recent legislative process. I have seen rants about the institution of marriage being something worth protecting and the sacrament of marriage being the holiest thing we experience on this side of heaven. I've heard people shouting scripture at each other to defend their position as God's position. I'm not writing about whether I agree or disagree with either side of this debate. I'm writing because I am baffled by the reality that this same passion doesn't exist when marriage is challenged by other entities. Why is gay marriage seen as the primary threat to the institution of traditional marriage? I don't get it! Before we try to take the speck out of our brother's eye let's look at the log in our own shall we?

More than one half of marriages end in divorce. Clearly we aren't as committed to it's sanctity as we are claiming to be. The divorce rate is above 50%. Is this statistic indicative of something holy? The statistic doesn't improve by the way when it specifically evaluates "people of faith". In some studies it's actually higher. And divorce isn't the only measuring stick of our marriages. There are lots of intact marriages that are NOT honoring to God. They can be abrasive, manipulative, mediocre, inpatient, dead, unkind, insensitive and painful. Where is the screaming and the ranting when that happens? Where are the picket lines telling me something better is worth fighting for? Why is a second spouse more common than a second wind? Where is the fire for sanctified marriage when so many of us are living separate emotional lives? Where is the accountability we need to stop lying to our spouse about the money we spent or the unhappiness we feel? Where is the guidance one needs when he is more interested in porn than he is his wife? Why is it okay for these things to deteriorate marriage on a catastrophic scale but we don't stand up and say much of anything? Isn't there a list of scriptures we should be shouting at ourselves? You know, the ones about pride, lust, anger, selfishness, money, honor, submission, sin.

Oh that word, 'sin'. When same sex couples express a desire to marry that is the word we use. If we were honest about our own moral compass we would see that we have our own sin to deal with. Perhaps if we were to stop pointing our fingers and shooting our words at others we would realize that our marriages are the reason why traditional marriage is deteriorating. Our sin is what is breaking down the covenant relationships we claim to value so much. And we fight that sin in our culture with an apathy that is sure to do absolutely nothing! Instead we rage about the sin that exists in the lives of others. A diversion that makes us feel and appear more holy but leaves us drowning in the sin we could actually do something about. I believe what the gay community really wants is rights. I can't imagine that they want marriage. We haven't given them a lot of reasons to believe it's worth having. But I'm working on removing the log from my own eye that adds to this problem. I invite you to join me.