I have respect for their perseverance and strength.
If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to help them.
I consider it an honor to sit before them.
I consider it a privilege to know them.
Their brokeness is the most difficult thing for them to share.
And yet that is the reason they walk through my door.
There is no reason they should trust me.
None!
There has been no safety.
No person.
No time.
No place.
Nothing!
I cannot know their pain.
The terror they have lived through is my worst imagined nightmare.
A horrifying dream from which they cannot awaken.
An unrelenting haunting continuation of fear and abuse that is real.
Life was twisted.
Family was demented.
Hope was obliterated.
Joy was stolen.
Purity was tainted.
Innoncence was mocked.
Love was shattered.
Trust was murdered.
Over and over and over and over and over again!
The very fact that they sit before me
in an attempt to trust again,
Is an extreme act of courage and valor.
If you only knew the deep dark secrets done in God's name no less that i've carried in silence since I was 5 (40 so years) you'd understand the very dark desperate place I find myself in….truly wanting to believe that life is worth living but I just can't make myself believe that no matter how many "positive confessions" I make!! And whose stupid idea was that anyway?? They must have never been used, abused and left alone!
I don't know if you got my message, but I will try and reiterate what I was trying to share as best as I can…..
If only you knew the deep dark secrets done God's name no less that I have carried in silence for 40 so years, I think you would be surprised that I am still alive and why I find myself in a dark and desperate place. Why all out of no where I all of the sudden am flooded with memories I had so deeply stored away in a Pandora's box hidden where not even I knew where it was. But here I now sit so to speak on the floor and that damn box has been pulverized exposing everything and I am totally overwhelmed to the point of raw emotions I have never been faced with…..anger giving way to explosions against myself.
I am not even sure why I am writing this to you or what drew me to your blog or how!
Hurting, I don’t know where you live but I do know that there are people who can help you through anything that may have happened in your past. It takes courage but I know that you can do it.